1. Kitten Heels
Yeah… can we please file these under ‘LEAVE IN THE EARLY 2000’s AND NEVER LOOK BACK’.
I truly never thought I’d see the day that these quite frankly pointless ‘heels‘ would once again haunt the streets of cities around the world. Then again stranger things have happened what with Trump being the leader of the free world and all.
The so called ‘heel‘ is about the height of a baby carrot (if that) with the thickness of a french fry. These shoes scream ‘identity crisis’. They can’t seem to make up their mind as to what exactly they are.
Sure, I understand that they are a practical option for those who want a bit of height yet something comfortable. However, personally I’ve found that they don’t really seem to deliver as ‘practical shoes’ either. Whenever I have subjected my poor feet to try on a pair of kitten heels, I’ve always found myself teetering about and losing balance more than I would while wearing a pair of 6 inch stilettos. So, this begs the question; what exactly is the point of them?
If I received a penny every time I had been out shopping, spotted a cute top only to pull it off the rail to reveal that there were two gaping holes at each shoulder; I would have enough money to purchase every cold shoulder top in the world and promptly toss them into a colossal raging bonfire on a private island somewhere.
Why do I despise them so intensely you ask?
Number One: They’re impractical. Especially the jumper variety that I’ve spotted people wearing in the middle of winter. It’s as cold as Siberia out there and yet people are waltzing around exposing their shoulders while wearing a chunky knit turtleneck? I’m getting Ugg boots + denim shorts flashbacks.
Number Two: They’re not pleasing to the eye. Why are we bringing attention to an area of the body that is not at all attractive in the least? Not that shoulders are unattractive per say, but their not particularly attractive either. The shape of the cut outs on these tops don’t exactly bring any interesting structure to this body part either.
It’s as if someone in a big boardroom somewhere took the concept of jeans with rips at the knee and pitched:
“So, we’re out of ideas for women’s fashion and incompetent at coming up with new designs and concepts that are actually good. Lucky for us, I’ve found a solution.”
*Murmurs travel around the room*
“Picture this. We use an already slightly questionable design and apply it to women’s blouses and tops.”
*Pauses dramatically before prompting the next powerpoint slide*
Side note: For some reason I pictured Don Draper while I wrote that. No idea why, he’d never sign off on such an idea if he worked in women’s fashion.
Verdict: Cold elbows are going to be the next big ridiculous thing. I’m calling it.
3. Perspex/PVC/Transparent/’What-On-Earth-Do-You-Call-These?’ Shoes.
I’m not going to go on a rant here. I’ll let the image speak for itself.
Yeah. I want to gag too.
4. Tiny Sunglasses
I’m a little confused. Do these even provide UV protection?
More importantly how on earth are these supposed to cover the bags under my eyes on those days I dare to venture outside to run errands sans makeup?
Apparently this style of sunnies sold out on Asos when they first dropped in October last year so I guess that means they’re unfortunately here to stay. Yet again, thanks a lot Kanye.
5. All or Nothing Tops
Someone please tell me, what exactly is going on here?
You’ve got your cold shoulders, a little pleating, some peplum, a few unnecessary cut outs and ruffles galore! I don’t really know what to call these so I’ve dubbed them ‘All or Nothing’ tops. This must have been another genius idea cooked up by the same person who came up with cold shoulder tops.
There’s nothing wrong with each of these designs individually (except cold shoulders of course) but lately I’ve been seeing an overabundance of tops that have a million different bold elements going on at once.
I get that the whole whimsical, quirky, mismatched clothes trend is a big thing right now, but can we at least tone it down a little?
I love a daring, boundary pushing piece of clothing as much as the next person, but this is simply overkill.